Husbands! (or partners!)

This post is for those of you who can relate to the marital struggles that surface during parenthood. I was actually inspired to write this by a post I read that has absolutely nothing to do with husbands! However it described a little bit about how much a mom has to take on and it made me think about whether or not our partners (in my case husband) realize how much of a “job” primary care-taking is! http://momkeepinitreal.com/2012/09/18/one-of-those-mornings/

The first week our baby was born was a rough start (see My Story). The initial impact it had on my relationship with my husband was positive. We really came together and supported each other through such a difficult time. I remember sitting in the hospital when we first brought baby in. The nurse informed us that the baby was starving and she attached a finger feeding tube to my husband. As he held the tube to baby’s mouth and watched baby hungrily guzzle the formula with drowsy eyes and a frail body, he started to weep. At first I didn’t notice because I was paying close attention to baby, but when I looked up and saw tears streaming down his face, it immediately brought tears to my eyes. I put my hand on his knee and tried to reassure him (and myself) that everything was going to be okay. Baby was whisked away from us and when we were allowed to visit him in the NICU, my husband and I walked hand-in-hand down the corridor to the doors that led to a remarkable room where sadness, hope, pain, fear and life-saving exists. Holding hands for us is significant because we aren’t the most affectionate couple. We care about each other a lot, but don’t necessarily shower each other with love and affection. That week I felt very close to my husband.

Now baby is 8 months old and doing well. My husband and I, for the most part, have a lot of fun with our new family. We look forward to weekends when we can enjoy quality time together…..but it hasn’t been easy on our relationship. Lack of sleep early on contributed to a lot of irritability and nit-picking. We lost patience for each other on many occasions and said things that we regret. The most painful comments of course revolved around our parenting critiques. Now I don’t know about you, but I went through a stage where every little thing my husband did and said made me crazy- the way he swaddled the baby, the way he prepared a bottle, watching football when he was spending “quality time” with baby, how he sneezed!! Okay, so my frustration was a bit extreme…I was tired.

Out of everything that my husband has said since baby was born, the most frustrating was “I work all day!”. This was in response to me asking him to come home and take the baby from me right away so I can have a break (who can relate?). He was implying that I play all day and he works. Now I know that he thinks being at home with baby is fun and exciting, but he only experiences this for small chunks of time in the evenings and on the weekends. He has no idea what it is like to take care of baby 24/7. When this comment was made I was still breastfeeding, so my “job” was literally 24 hours because I was up with baby throughout the night to feed him. In retrospect I think my husband was a bit resentful or maybe even sad that he wasn’t able to take a year off work to be with baby. I personally can’t imagine what it would be like to return to work so soon after baby was born. I know a lot people only have a few weeks or a couple of months of maternity leave and can’t imagine how difficult that must be. 

My friend and I have organized an overnight spa trip. It will be my first 24 hours away from baby and I am extremely anxious. I am experiencing major separation anxiety (that’s a whole other post) and don’t even want to think about how my husband will manage. I am reminding myself that even if he doesn’t put on the diaper right and baby leaks, or if he keeps baby up too late, or forgets to give him his solids etc etc baby will survive. Baby is actually quite patient with my husband, he quietly lies on the change table as my husband fumbles with his diaper, whereas with me he wiggles around and complains (with little moans). Most of all, I think the overnight will be a good opportunity for my husband to get a taste of what it is like to be with baby all day and night. Hopefully he will appreciate just how much “work” it really is.

Thanks for reading….