Not Helpful

When you go through a difficult time and people offer words of wisdom, their intention is good. However, when I was in the depths of my rough start, more often than not I found the feedback unhelpful. Sometimes it actually made me feel worse about myself and the situation. I think the most frustrating statement that people made was “he (the baby) won’t remember this when he’s older”. This was the response I would often get when I expressed my sadness about the apparent pain and fear the baby was experiencing in the NICU. I talked to friends about how he had blood drawn from his heel every 3 hours around the clock to check his levels and how painful and scary that must be. I cried about how frightened and distraught he appeared screaming and reaching his arms in the air while alone in the incubator….80% of the time the response was “he won’t remember this when he’s older….”.

While it’s true that he won’t remember the horrible experiences of his first week of life, I hated that in the moment he had to experience pain. I tried to come up with an analogy to explain to my father why this statement did not make me feel better. I asked him “if I were to hit you over the head with a hammer and tomorrow you were fine and didn’t feel or remember anything, would that be okay?”. Of course the answer is no because you don’t want to experience any pain in the moment even if you don’t feel it or remember it the next day. It still breaks my heart that baby had to experience minutes, hours and days of fear and pain as soon as he left the comfort of the womb.

So what did I need to hear at the time?

I’m so sorry that you are going through such a horrible time right now. You must be so scared and upset seeing your baby in such a terrible state. It’s okay if you need time to yourself, but know that I’m here for you if you want to talk or if you need anything. It makes sense that you don’t feel like leaving the house, or even getting dressed in the morning given the stress you are experiencing. It might make you feel better to get out for an hour, but if you’re not ready that’s fine too.

Basically I needed validation that what I felt was okay and understandable. I also needed to be heard, I didn’t want advice. So now I would like to offer you support. Whether you had a medical complication in the beginning, or you just find the whole parenting experience overwhelming. If your mood is low or your anxiety is high, if you’re feeling sad or alone or frustrated….. I am truly sorry for your pain. We don’t know each other and our stories are probably different on many levels, but I’m sure we can relate in some ways. Know that you are not alone and that it is okay to have all the feelings you are experiencing. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member share your thoughts here anonymously or consider reaching out to a counsellor for support. In North America there are many services offering postpartum support. I hope this is true for other parts of the world as well. 

What have been the most helpful and unhelpful statements people have made to you during your rough start?

Thanks for reading……