Judgements: “Just be flexible with his naps!”

I am a prisoner to this child’s nap time. He is almost 8 months old and still has 3 naps per day. Typically they are from 9am-10:15, 12:30pm-2 and 4:30pm-5:15. My life revolves around these precious sleep periods because if he is late for one or skips one, all hell breaks loose! I just wrote a post called “not helpful” https://lovingheartsroughstarts.wordpress.com/2012/09/20/not-helpful/ and in it I described what unhelpful feedback I received from people during my rough start. Well, another unhelpful comment I often get is “can’t you be more flexible with his sleep?”. Now don’t misunderstand me, I completely respect parents who are flexible when it does not have a negative impact on their child. Some kids adapt very well and it probably makes life easy to just go with the flow. My child, however, isn’t that easy-going. He enters a major state of fussiness when he is overtired. He is very much by the clock and practically welcomes his crib when it’s time to go to sleep.

So here’s the problem, I have a hard time finding programs to join such as music and swimming because the times don’t usually work with his naps. I also have trouble making play dates and attending family functions. We had a family dinner the other night and I decided, as an experiment, to try being “flexible” by having baby stay out late and pushing his bedtime an hour later……………for those of you who are major sleep schedulers, you’re probably gasping! So how did it go? REALLY BAD! Poor child was so tired, rubbing his eyes and whining. My husband drove him home so I could stay and enjoy the rest of the evening. Baby was hysterical the whole drive home and had difficulty settling down for the night. The only positive to this experience is that my family got to see firsthand the effects of being “flexible”. I’m hoping that they will now think twice before making suggestions around his sleep. When I weigh out the pros and cons I feel strongly that I need to continue with a rigid sleep schedule. It’s actually nice to have structure and some predictability. During our rough start, I never knew when my baby was going to fall asleep and he only slept in my arms, so I did not have any time to myself. Now I can put him down and then eat or check emails or write a quick post (naps don’t allow a lot of time to write so excuse any grammatical errors!).

I suppose I worry about people’s judgements about me as a mother otherwise I wouldn’t care what they thought of my rigidity. Being a mom is my most important role in life, so I desperately want to feel like I am doing a good job at it. I always thought of myself as having a “thick skin” but motherhood has really exposed a vulnerability that I didn’t know I had. 7 months ago when I was feeling very down, my cousin asked me how I was doing and I broke down. I tried using every ounce of energy I had left to not cry, but it was impossible to fight. My cousin said “you’re doing a good job, you’re a good mom”. I really needed to hear that and even though there was a part of me that didn’t believe it, I held on to it for dear life and tried to take it in. Amazing how one’s thoughts can spiral from “why don’t you try pushing back his bedtime” to “you’re a bad mom”. If any of you are familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you’ll know a bit about working through negative thinking and finding your core beliefs. I have worked with clients on thought records to challenge unhelpful thoughts on many occasions and yet in the moment I still struggle to use this skill. It’s a work in progress for me. If you are interested in learning more about CBT I would be happy to do a post about it.

Thanks for reading….

Not Helpful

When you go through a difficult time and people offer words of wisdom, their intention is good. However, when I was in the depths of my rough start, more often than not I found the feedback unhelpful. Sometimes it actually made me feel worse about myself and the situation. I think the most frustrating statement that people made was “he (the baby) won’t remember this when he’s older”. This was the response I would often get when I expressed my sadness about the apparent pain and fear the baby was experiencing in the NICU. I talked to friends about how he had blood drawn from his heel every 3 hours around the clock to check his levels and how painful and scary that must be. I cried about how frightened and distraught he appeared screaming and reaching his arms in the air while alone in the incubator….80% of the time the response was “he won’t remember this when he’s older….”.

While it’s true that he won’t remember the horrible experiences of his first week of life, I hated that in the moment he had to experience pain. I tried to come up with an analogy to explain to my father why this statement did not make me feel better. I asked him “if I were to hit you over the head with a hammer and tomorrow you were fine and didn’t feel or remember anything, would that be okay?”. Of course the answer is no because you don’t want to experience any pain in the moment even if you don’t feel it or remember it the next day. It still breaks my heart that baby had to experience minutes, hours and days of fear and pain as soon as he left the comfort of the womb.

So what did I need to hear at the time?

I’m so sorry that you are going through such a horrible time right now. You must be so scared and upset seeing your baby in such a terrible state. It’s okay if you need time to yourself, but know that I’m here for you if you want to talk or if you need anything. It makes sense that you don’t feel like leaving the house, or even getting dressed in the morning given the stress you are experiencing. It might make you feel better to get out for an hour, but if you’re not ready that’s fine too.

Basically I needed validation that what I felt was okay and understandable. I also needed to be heard, I didn’t want advice. So now I would like to offer you support. Whether you had a medical complication in the beginning, or you just find the whole parenting experience overwhelming. If your mood is low or your anxiety is high, if you’re feeling sad or alone or frustrated….. I am truly sorry for your pain. We don’t know each other and our stories are probably different on many levels, but I’m sure we can relate in some ways. Know that you are not alone and that it is okay to have all the feelings you are experiencing. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member share your thoughts here anonymously or consider reaching out to a counsellor for support. In North America there are many services offering postpartum support. I hope this is true for other parts of the world as well. 

What have been the most helpful and unhelpful statements people have made to you during your rough start?

Thanks for reading……